The Incestuous *ubarn Family Is Far From Perfect...

I can't help but giggle each time I read a goathumper's rant in response to Harvey Updyke's attack on their worthless trees (and especially after perusing the Ever To Cheat Foundation's recent attack on Alabama fans). They'll be sure to point out the flaws in Alabama's fanbase while, in the process, reminding everyone that *ubarn people are conservative and classy model christian citizens.

That's further proof that AU-tards are the most delusional, hypocritical and myopic fanbase in all of sports. And I have the FACTS to prove it...

1) Good Ole'  Harvey Updyke 

The Man. The Myth. The Legend himself. No man is more abhorred by the incestuous *ubarn family than Updyke himself. Why? Because he allegedly poisoned a plant that barn fans have been slowly murdering by asphyxiation for decades. For years, horticulturalists have warned barn fans of the dangers behind rolling this very tree. But that didn't stop them. In fact, even the tree poisoning didn't stop them from rolling it in 2011. So if they cared so much about those sacred trees, why do they insist on continuing to roll them? But this is for another place and time...

The braindead family will tell you what Updyke did was worse than Jerry Sandusky raping innocent children. Sadly, that's no exaggeration. They view him in the same light as they do Sandusky, Charles Manson, Bin Laden and Nick Saban, all because he poisoned a replaceable plant.What's even more humiliating is a year ago, four *ubarn football players robbed a Lee County landmark (a mobile home in Auburn, AL), yet *ubarn fans could care less about the outcome of a trial involving actual criminals. Instead, they'd rather see Updyke fry and the thugs exonerated.

But little does everyone else know, the way Harvey and his innocent family have been treated in return is far worse, according to people who do not reside inside the prison border known as Lee County, Alabama.

After leaving a preliminary hearing at the Opelika courthouse, Updyke was attacked at a nearby gas station by an unknown assailant. The *ubarn family rejoiced because the man who had allegedly poisoned a plant had been beaten to a pulp! This is the same classy *ubarn family who doesn't condone of plant killing, but they do condone of violence! Hypocrites? Or just plain morons?

Shortly after the tree poisoning was made public, how did the classy *ubarn family respond? By sending death threats to, not just Harvey Updyke, but to his innocent family and children as well. But if there's one thing barn fans are known for, it's death threats (see point number three).

So by standard human logic, wouldn't that be considered worse than what Updyke did? Both physical assault and death threats are criminal offenses and, unlike Harvey's crime, they involved an attack on a human being, instead of a replaceable plant.

2) Racism

Never have I heard of or seen Alabama students dress up as Klansmen and paint their faces black along with nooses tied around their neck for a Halloween party. But barn students have.

And speaking of racism, I've never heard Alabama students refer to an African-American *ubarn basketball player as a "Monkey" and a "knuckle dragger" during a live ESPN basketball broadcast. But *ubarn students have.

Nor have I seen a Klan member show up for a public rally sporting an Alabama hat. But I've seen an *ubarn fan do so.

Then there's denying African-Americans entry into one of the three bars that pissant, Mayberry town contains; refusing to hire an African-American coach (who at that time had a far better resume than the white coach they ultimately hired); racial discrimintion lawsuits filed against the university by former employees; professors finding racial notes in class; confederate flag issues; and this little gem (forward to 09:38):

And I quote:

Don't you know that there's all kinds of people there who look you in the face and tell you what a great guy you are, and turn right around when you walk away, you're nothing but a, like I said a while ago, a-a-a nigger?

Eric Ramsey was a former player who claimed blacks in *ubarn, AL were treated like pieces of meat. That little audio clip only proves what Ramsey stated to be true.

And there's no doubt that plantation mentality is still present in *ubarn, AL today!

3) Death Threats

Now that we've already covered Updyke's innocent family receiving a plethora of death threats from *ubarn's finest, let's focus on the other innocent humans who were victims of goathumper attacks...

Shortly after Brent Calloway re-switched his commitment from *ubarn to Alabama, the goathumpers went into a frenzy. Calloway claimed he received death threats and an AU-tard drove by him, hitting him in the face with a cup while yelling "War Eagle" as he peeled off. Not to mention barnzoes tossed every false allegation they could possibly conjure up, just to get back at him. Needless to say, the false allegations blew up in their mutated faces.

Then there was Scott Moore, a former radio host out of Huntsville, AL who claimed he and his family  received numerous death threats from the barn faithful after threatening to play the Cecil Newton tapes on his show, back when $cam was a hot topic.

4) Criminal Conspiracy and Criminals in General!

Have you ever heard of fans plotting an act of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon on a rival player? Well, you have now!

In August of 2011, Auburn fans on the popular *ubarn forum, "The Bunker" were plotting a fender bender on former Heisman candidate, Trent Richardson. And you thought Operation Red Dog was bad (which we'll cover in a moment)!

Shawn Payton is not a true *ubarn man; he's the exception!

But the criminal acts doesn't end there; there's Shawn Patyon, *ubarn/Lions fan who called in a bomb threat to the Superdome; the young *ubarn student charged with sodomy (though not with an animal this time); the *ubarn student who set his ex-girlfriend's house on fire in a fit of jealous rage; and the classy *ubarn University Dean of Agriculture's DUI; barn fans charged with domestic violence and possession of illegal prescription drugs; or the goathumper who recently robbed a bank; or the classy female barnzoe who robbed a gas station while high on cocaine and Oxycontin; etc. etc. etc. Not to mention their God, $cam Newton stealing a laptop and four former players robbing a Lee County landmark: a mobile home.

Surely these can't be true *ubarn men, can they?

 These classy Aubarn Men are the EXCEPTION!

So is this bank robber!

As well as this gas station robber who was high on cocaine, Oxycontin... and apparently *ubarn football when she committed the crime!

5) That Stalking Sensation

Never have I heard of an Alabama fan stalking an *ubarn football player, but conversely, I have heard numerous instances of *ubarn fans stalking Alabama players.

AJ's the latest victim of the *U stalking machine

It all started with Operation Red Dog, where *ubarn fans hired PIs to stalk innocent Alabama prospects. Since no dirt could be uncovered by the PIs, what did the goathumpers do? They attempted to frame said players and also spread bogus rumor after bogus rumor in hopes that something would eventually stick. Unfortunately for those inferior subhumans, it didn't.

This past year, they moved on to Trent Richardson. It got to the point where AU-tards were riding by his house snapping photographs (of his house, car and children) and uploading them onto the net. But the situation worsened as the barnzoes began doctoring fake traffic citations, making it appear as if Richardson drove a brand new Yukon (at that time), and sending them to bloggers and journalists all across the internet. That, my friends, is what you call a pathetic attempt at desperation.

Then there was the case where they were snapping pics of Dre Kirkpatrick's car, his mother's car, Mark Ingram's ride, and even Julio Jones' ride as well!

Recently, since nothing came out of Operation Red Dog, or anything involving Richardson/Jones/Kirkpatrick/Ingram/etc., it appears they've set their sights on Alabama quarterback AJ McCarron.

Can anyone name a time when an Alabama fan was caught stalking an *ubarn player?

6) Gene Jelks

Never once have I heard a rivalry case as ridiculous as this one. In the 1990s, former star Alabama player Gene Jelks found himself broke, unemployed and hopeless after finishing college. As *ubarn fans would have you believe, they were there to help!

Courtesy of I Bleed Crimson Red:

Maybe you remember the story of John “Stump” Thrower, a man once described by former AU Athletics Director Navid Nousel as “an Auburn zealot.” Thrower’s zealotry went so far that, according to WJOX’s Herb Winches, he personally paid thousands of dollars to former Alabama player Gene Jelks to tell stories about his time in Tuscaloosa. His motive? He was outraged that former Auburn player Eric Ramsey had tape recordings of conversations with Pat Dye and other coaches on the Auburn staff. Those recordings—related to thousands of dollars in improper benefits to Auburn football players—led to the SEC’s most penalized school getting put on probation again. There wasn’t a crimson fingerprint anywhere near Eric Ramsey’s tape recorder, but By God Alabama was gonna pay for this.

Thrower died in November 2009. Alcoholic, broke, disgraced, divorced and badly behind in child support payments. 

I'm certain the same family that helped Gene Jelks during his crisis was also there for Thrower during his, right?

7) Class

If there's one thing *ubarn fans are known for, that Alabama fans are not, it's how well they conduct themselves at football games and the class and impeccable character they display in both win and defeat... at least in their little delusional minds!

(notice the dates in the top left hand corner - each came after Alabama's loss to Florida and Utah in 2008)

But there's plenty more examples of *ubarn class to be put on display here...

A classy *ubarn man once had the decency to spit on radio host Paul Finebaum prior to a barn game in 2009. Is spitting at another human being mentioned in the legendary *ubarn creed?

Then there's endlessly making fun of deceased alabama fans, while also sending an email to the daughter of a frequent Alabama fan Finebaum caller with stomach cancer, saying "If your mother would go ahead and die, it would be one less 'Bama fan we'd have to listen to." Let's not forget about the classy *ubarn men and women who have endlessly celebrated the Tuscaloosa tornado tragedy on numerous *ubarn message forums as well! Threats of violence and mayhem, and who can forget about the incestuous *ubarn family boycotting every single organization known to mankind? Lastly, obnoxiously yelling "War Eagle" in a public restaurant. Is this how classy, 'holier than thou art' people are supposed to conduct themselves?

So who and where exactly are these "classy" *ubarn fans the people from the Never To Yield (better known as the Ever To Cheat) and ITAT endlessly speak of?

8) Vandalism

As soon as *ubarn bought
won the 2010 BCS National Championship (with a rented mule/criminal quarterback who loves "white bitches"), what did they do in response to winning (or buying) their second tainted championship in school history? Unlike most fans, who enjoy a nice victory celebration on their very own campus, *ubarn fans, on the other hand, took their celebration to Tuscaloosa! I mean, I understand T-Town is far superior to that boring, backwoods prison next door to Opelika, but that still doesn't give you guys a reason to celebrate the rewards of your cheating habits on our gorgeous campus!

You've also heard the many horror stories of goathumpers defacing Bear Bryant's tombstone over the years. Has anyone ever recalled a time when an Alabama fan pissed on $lug Jordan's grave?

There's also the case where someone vandalized Nick Saban's house on Lake Burton (though it was never proven *ubarn fans were behind this, one can only assume it was the work of an AU-tard based on everything else they've done - especially after Saban said he hears passersby yelling "War Eagle" constantly). Don't forget about the goathumpers who vandalized - and claimed to have poisoned - an Alabama fan's tree in his front yard (as seen in the class photos featured above).

And one can't help but wonder what motivated Harvey Updyke to kill their pathetic trees. Oh, and goathumpers, pardon me if I show no sympathy toward your rotting trees either.

9) Inbred AD's Gone Wild!

If there's one man who serves as a picture-perfect ambassador for Mayberry U, it's David Housel. Not only does he suffer from a severe case of paranoid inferiority complex (like 99.9% of every goathumping Wire Roadian who calls *ubarn University their alma mater/favorite team), he also has the incestuous "look" as well. In other words, he is the quintessential "*ubarn Man".

Never in my life have I heard an Alabama AD (or any AD for that matter) show their true colors on a national radio show by publicly comparing a rival university to "Nazi Germany" - a regime responsible for slaughtering millions of innocent people.

To many, such an offensive statement alone would've been enough to run Housel out of whatever town he was residing in, with haste, at the time. But to the incestuous *ubarn family, Housel cemented his legacy as an *ubarn legend after making such a classless analogy.

By the way, how is that "war" working out for you these days, David Housel?

-UA has a much higher yield percentage than *U (basically meaning they've turned away more applicants) and was voted the more popular school

-UA has consistently outranked *U as a public institution according to the USNWR

-Not only has Alabama won 3 of 4 in football (and was 1 point away from making it 4 straight), they've also swept *U in both basketball and baseball in each of the last series. Not to mention gymnastics, men and women's golf, softball, etc.

-UA currently has a larger student body and it's estimated by 2014, UA will have 10,000 more students than *U

-In terms of campus life and expansion, UA is winning in that category as well!

-Not to mention T-Town is a far funner place to live than that boring, redneck infested Mayberry prison known as *ubarn, AL

Needless to say, UA is running circles around *U at the moment, and they're showing no signs of slowing anytime soon! So put that in your pipe and smoke it, Navid Nousel!



So despite what the half-brained orange and blue goathumpers on the internet might have you believe about their fans, the *ubarn family is far from perfect model citizens themselves. In fact, the next time one of the incestuous family members brings up Updyke or Brian Downing, just remind them Alabama fans have a lot of catching up to do if they want to equally match all the braindead idiots in the barn's fanbase.

One of the many differences between Alabama and *ubarn fans is we're not blinded by delusion to see and admit we have our fair share of lunatics. Barn fans on the other hand, well, let's just say there's a reason they're known as one of most delusional fanbases in all of sports. Next time you pick up a dictionary, search the term "myopic" and "one who avidly supports *ubarn (AL) University athletics" should be listed as the definition.

And in the words of the Ever To Cheat Foundation.....

"It is what it is. You are what you are!"